Sin is ugly. Life is tough. I want a husband. Blah!

This was actually written on 7/16/2014, but wasn't online until today to post it.

I am frustrated beyond belief! Sin is ugly.  Life is tough.  I want a husband. Blah!

Yet, my heart is broken and humbled before the Lord, AGAIN.  Recently I have struggled with the Lord.  There is scripture that says it is better for man to be married than to burn with  passion.  I am burning.  I want a husband.  I want a godly, God-fearing, one woman, on fire to serve the Lord man!  These are not easy to come by these days.  So then I get frustrated again at God.  WHERE ARE THEY!?  Where are parents like mine that have raised a man to be a MAN!  To be this God-fearing, leader, one woman, serving the kingdom man?  I am tired of these men that play video games all day, of these men that live at home with their parents, or not at home but have their mom still do their laundry, (mom’s: STOP!! It appears to be helpful, but you are enabling them to be LAZY! YES, LAZY!!), these men that say things without realizing the value of their word, that can’t even keep their word, these men that treat every gal ‘special’ and then can’t believe why the girl thought she was ‘special’.  These men that can’t make up their mind, that can’t commit to even a simple event.  A yes or no will work.  We are big girls, and would rather a solid answer than to be strung along, whatever the event/activity.  I don’t care if you are a friend or a boyfriend, let your yes be yes and your no be no.  BE A MAN of your word!  Rather you offend us with kind truth, than to lie and deceive.  If you don’t mean it, don’t say it!  BE all God has asked you to be!!  I could go on, but where my frustration lies is I want, I desire to be married!  (yes, there are a lot of “I’s” in that statement, I am getting there.)  And yet, even if the Lord saw fit for me to get married…WHO?  Who among the men I know are ready for something as serious as marriage, for a, ready for this, the “C” word is coming, COMMITMENT? These men are being coddled, and lazy.  They are getting away with not saying what they mean, or sticking to what they say.   So, when I say this, I look around.  And the men that surround me are fun to hang out with, but to a point!  When a man can’t make a decision and stick to it, even the simple task of ‘hanging out’ becomes daunting.  “They said yes, they agreed, but will they truly show up?”  Those are thoughts going through my head.  When you say yes, the plan includes YOU!  And it sure would be courteous, polite, respectful and descent if you would call and let us know your plans changed. AND to have a legit reason. Not, “I didn’t feel like it”.  If you didn’t feel like it, you should have thought about that BEFORE you ever said yes!  There is nothing wrong with saying, “I will think about it and get back to you”…but then GET back to us!  YES or NO!  Oh, I digress.  Anyway, I don’t see the potentials out there.  I know, and I have faith beyond a shadow of a doubt they are out there, those men of integrity, that stand by what they say, are trustworthy, don’t live at home, know how and do their own laundry and dishes, can make up their mind and go for it, are indeed out there.  And PRAISE the Lord for them!  PRAISE HIM!

So, then, comes the part where I am not God. God is God.  AMEN!  And in the heat of my frustration and anger, the Lord says, “YOU, my child cannot change them.  YOU, my child are called to live FOR Me.  To obey ME.  That means to love these lazy son of a guns, to respect these liars even when that is the least of the things you want to do.  YOU my child, look inward, clean YOUR heart, re-focus those beautiful brown eyes of yours on Me.  You my child do burn and desire to be married…and I am it!  I AM.” 

And so the Lord has shown me in some pretty unique, humbling ways of this.  I happened across a love note from my fiancé of years ago.  And it said, “You know what happened 3,255,326 seconds ago?  I fell in love with you!” It reminded me what being pursued looks like!  It reminded me when a man loves a woman, he will go after her, he will pursue her, and he will woo her. Another example of God’s intense love for me…I was reading a blog, and it shared about an email her husband sent her when she was struggling in her love and acceptance from him.  The email excerpt said: “You are beautiful and I love you.  But that cannot be your confidence.  It must be in the truth of the Gospel which says you are clean and new.  Help her believe this, Lord!”  And this one gave me two reminders.  First it was as if the Lord was saying, You, Becky, are beautiful and I love you!  THAT should be your confidence.  And the second one, was the mere fact that this man pointed his bride to Christ.  AMEN! Away from himself!  THAT is a man I am looking for.   A selfless, God-fearing, servant hearted man! 

I thank the Lord for these examples, the reminders, the heart wringing truths, that I didn’t seek, look for or even knew I needed.  That is the tender hearted Savior right there!  SO, I am still frustrated at the world, the lack of parents raising men to be MEN, the lack of men stepping up and being men, and my lack of patience and faith with my heavenly Father.  Yes, I just said it.  MY lack of patience and faith.  Remember a couple paragraphs ago where it was full of “I’s”? Well, I know I am frustrated at people.  But it is NOT a one way street here.  I am no perfect wife-to-be.  I have work that needs to be done.  As Matt Chandler says:  “Where the gospel of Jesus Christ is fully and faithfully preached…strong, gifted, driven women flourish.  They are drawn to it and they flourish. Nothing has done more for the welfare, the growth, and the flourishing of women in this culture than the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Nothing.”  Whew!  Yes, I have got to get deeper into the gospel of Jesus!  That I would flourish!  Flourish for Christ!

So, this might not have ended as I thought it should or how I want it.  However, the Lord has reminded me, yet AGAIN, to trust Him.  To love people as He loves them.  Put myself aside, and love!  There is no regret in freely loving people without expectation.  I can’t change people, but I can change how I love, and to love unconditionally, letting my God be my Defender, my Comfort, my Judge.  He will take care of how people treat me.  I don’t have to.  So I can live freely!

Thank You Lord for your patience with me!  For Your unconditional love!  May You fill me up to overflowing that I would overflow onto other people.  Help me let go of my desires, my wants, my my my my my…that I would be all for YOU YOU YOU YOU!  Oh how I love you!  I praise You!  To YOU be the glory!  And may I give You the glory due Your name!  I ask this in the powerful, holy, all knowing, all caring name of Jesus Christ, Amen!!!