Rural Montana

 The phone rings, there is a slight silent delay followed by, "Hello, this is JoHanna with One Call, how can I help you?"

The provider on the other end of the line lets out a heavy sigh and starts the conversation. "I need to transfer a patient to you." The One Call transfer nurse can hear the concern in their voice, holds her calm and starts gathering information, piece by piece to see how to best direct this call. "Name and date of birth of your patient please." As the date of birth is given, the transfer nurse internally sinks and thinks, "they are so young." The provider then gives a brief diagnosis and that this transfer is emergent. The transfer nurse keeps calm and gathers the correct admitting provider on the line for provider-to-provider report. The transfer nurse mutes her side of the line and starts to transpose as fast as the providers are speaking. She hears the concern in the voice of the sending provider, she hears the lab results, she hears about the images that were taken, and the condition of the patient. She hears the candidness of the providers, sharing real, no BS thoughts and off the record remarks. She feels for the sending provider doing their best to get that patient to a higher level of care in a timely manner for the best outcome for that patient. She hears the urgent tone in the receiving provider to have a team ready to receive and intervene as soon as the patient arrives. She hears the flight team gathering information, the weight of the patient and if a family member will be flying with them and in the background of that phone call, she hears the radio going off, flight is in high demand today. Reports have been given.

Everyone that needs to know, knows and the plan is in place to retrieve the patient and get them to a higher level of care. Good-byes are said the lines click off one by one. Just as the transfer nurse puts the finishing notes in the transfer chart, sends out an alert to all parties and hits "complete request" the phone rings again.  Pulling herself together,  she answers: "Hello, this is JoHanna with One Call, how can I help you?" As the provider on the other end starts talking, the transfer nurse hears the helicopter taking off and she silently prays, 'Lord, go before the flight team and medical staff, protect them and be with the patient and their family, may Your will be done'. "...and whom am I speaking with..."

From Behind the Lines

 

Lord. My heart is heavy and I desire to be used for Your glory. 

These days are full of confusion, fear, information and misinformation. There are facts floating around and there are political goals attempting to be made fact.  There are statistics being skewed to create a certain view or response from people. There is a V that seems to be the sole cause of all of this chaos.

Mask or not mask? Get the inoculation or not get it? Is this V really this bad? Why don’t people just do this or that? There is division in families, work places, churches, communities, etc.  So many say they are confused or scared and just want the facts. Who does one trust these days?! Who has the best interest of the people, for me? All great questions.

I have prayed for clarity. I have prayed for peace of mind and protection from being blinded by one side or the other.  I have prayed for humility.  It is not an accident You have me as a nurse in these days.  I have even asked You, O Lord.  Why now? And I don’t get very far.  Your word resounds in my heart and mind, I was made for such a time as this. Just as Esther. Abraham. Issac. Moses. Ruth. Naomi. Etc. I was just sharing the other day with my husband how I know the Lord placed me in nursing at this time to be educated and pay attention to what is happening because I don’t think I would be questioning things like I am.  And questioning things is a good thing.  That is how a person learns and grows. The things I see in the hospital don’t exactly line up with the media and what is said and shown.

It is easy for me to get overwhelmed by ALL that is happening in the world and in the United States.  And quite frankly, ALL of it is out of my hand.  Therefore, I work daily not to worry about it.  Stay informed yes, worry no.  When I drive to work, I observe that nothing appears to be out of the norm. People are in their cars, listening to their booming stereos, or talking on their phones or reaching to monkey with the kids in the back seat.  All seems to be in working order. Yet, discussions with people, or overhearing discussions with people or even the looks people share when out in public, along with any media you turn on, states otherwise.  There is chaos. So, I ask the Lord, what is my role in all of this.  I desire people to change, people to unite, people to understand the bigger picture and to do right for the sake of others, yet I cannot change the world, the United States, the state of Montana or the City of Billings.  But the Lord gently reminds my heart, I can help those in my sphere. My family, my friends, co-workers, patients and their families, my home church, etc.  There are people I can pour into. People we can have a discussion with to stay informed.  Share facts and information beside what the mainstream media is telling us.

There are many questions running through my head.  As numbers continue to rise (per the media) in regards to cases of C+ patients, and increased number in the ICU, I a a bit perturbed by them stating the Vaxxed vs the unvaxxed.  There is SO much information left out of these statistics listed. And, no where do I see the numbers listed of the increase in patients, in the hospitals with complications from the V?! I have been keeping a tally of patients I have cared for as well as other nurses on my unit, that have cared for patients with “unexplained medical complications”. That is the note multiple physicians and medical providers have typed in the medical notes for patients. Where are the statistics for the patients that have an unexplained kidney injury?  Or many unexplained GI bleeds? Or the significant increase in cellulitis cases of extremities, leading to amputation and/or death? How about the nervous system disorders patients and their care givers are noticing taking place after the V? Where and who is following the increase in lack of healing from a typical knee or ankle revision/repair, due to vascular complications? Or how about the cancer patient that was in remission for years, yet after he received the inoculation, he lived only a week? How are the deaths of these people, whom have received the inoculation, not noticed by the medical field?  How are there not more questions raised as to the increase in these cases?  Why aren’t we looking a little closer at the connection instead of only worrying about the number of increase C cases? And making sure public see the V versus the unV’d people.  NO where have I seen the numbers being broadcasted regarding the VERY sick and dying, whom have had the V!!!  Just the other day, the unit I am on had over 80% people with the V!!  These people are hospitalized! And they are filling not just the unit I am on, but having to be transferred to higher levels of care because their organs are shutting down. I feel like a massacre is happening in the hospital from this V and no one seems to notice.  Their eyes are fixed on only C+ patients.  

Just like the actual virus itself, not everyone reacts the same to the inoculation either. Yet, I am concerned with how mandates are coming.  This should remain a choice of the people, without guilty others, whether they choose it or not. 

I am tired of the argument: its just like every other vaccine.  Um, no other vaccine has been pushed down the throats of the people like this one has.  That fact alone should cause one to pause. The fact so many report adverse events have been reported, yet it has not been pulled, is concerning as well.  In the past, when there been 50 adverse events, the drug was pulled and revisited before mass production and administration. This is not the case. VAERS reports (as of Sept 13, 2021) 7,653 deaths.  DEATHS. That number doesn’t include other adverse events. (Go check the website out for yourself).  Yet, hospitals continue to push the V. Yet, they aren’t looking at the population of the V people in their facility, struggling with health.

C is real.  Yet, there are also ways to prevent getting it.  Eating healthy. The vitamins and nutrients one needs to boost their immune system is found in fruits and veggies. Doctors have shown if your Vitamin D levels are greater than 120, one is almost immune to getting C. Because your cells are healthy and ready to fight off these bugs.  Also, early treatment with Ivermectin.  EARLY treatment. Ivermectin, although laughed at by many, has proven to enter the body, search out cells, open the cell and administer zinc straight to the nasty bug, reducing the sickness and length of sickness. Yet, hospitals are refusing to use it.  What if.  Just play the what if game.  Just like some want to play the what if game with the V.  Why wouldn’t you be willing to play that game with Ivermectin?  Ivermectin has been around a whole lot longer and has been found effective and safe. Not to mention it is reasonably priced.  Why aren’t medical facilities pushing for health and prevention, as well as this early treatment, instead of pushing a V that doesn’t seem to be as effective as once thought?

So, when people throw around, “Just get the V, its like all the others”, I have a hard time with that due to the amount of sick, sick patients I am taking care of whom have had the V.  What you surround yourself with or listen to, will be how to view the rest of the world. There are always more than one side to the story and I enjoy hearing both sides.

So much more going on in my head and when I get it on paper, I will share. Until then, I continue to pray to be used for God’s glory and share information and God's hope to others.

Perspective Change: Burden vs. Blessing

The Lord is in the business of changing hearts and lives and I am blessed to be one of them. 

I have struggled with my weight most of my life and my perspective has been "What a burden that I struggle with my weight. I know other people have different battles, but this one is ugly, everyone can see my battle and why do I continue to battle with it?" Yet, once again, I am in a Bible study discussing the freedom there is in Christ, in all areas of life, especially food, when we allow God the ability to do so, giving over this area of life. Things I know, yet obviously needing to be reminded of them again. The ladies God has put around me are blessing me richly with their honesty, their hearts desire to be free from the bondage of food, to live in physical freedom, and be healthy, available to do even more for the Lord! As I was having extended quiet time with the Lord, He revealed an "ah-ha" moment. Let me share.

As a believer, scripture reveals many truths about our bodies; they are not our own, they are a temple of the Holy Spirit, honor God with them, etc. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20; ) There are also many passages using food as examples/parables. For example, the fruit of the Spirit; turning water into wine; give the Lord our first fruits; planting, sowing, reaping; He is the bread of life; and "whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God". (1 Corinthians 10:31; Galatians 5:22-23; ) Yet, how very interesting the sacraments to remember what God did with his Son for us to be forgiven, are juice/wine and bread. Food. How interesting to think that He used food, a physically sustaining element of life, as the image/tool to reflect the greater, spiritual life sustaining act of the death, burial and resurrection of Christ!! Is this an accident?  Aren't we suppose to be free from the bondage of food and yet here, in taking communion we indulge in food? How ironic. Of course communion is not an over indulging of food or beverage, but the Lord revealed something even more personal to me.

I have been looking at my life long battle of overeating as a burden (and yes, it is still a sin to be a glutton) however, the Lord says, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life", basically the Sustainer of me.  And instead of looking at this battle as unfortunate, the Lord has asked me to look at it as a blessing. Really? A blessing?  YES!

 In a tender way, the Lord said, "Daughter, this is My battle too, I fight it with you. Think of how I continue to reveal Myself to you.  You continuously come back to Me, acknowledging you cannot do this on your own.  You continuously cry to Me to be your Sustainer, your Helper, to bring your focus back to Me.  You ask to be free of this burden of over eating. I hear you. I am with you every step of the way, but this is what I have chosen to give you to fight. Why? Because daughter, it brings us closer together. You know food is essential to physically sustain you and you also know, because of that, how much MORE I, your Lord, sustains you as your Spiritual food. You, child of mine, can overcome this, but I am choosing this as your battle to keep you close to Me, that you would realize over and over again I am your everything. You have to carefully consider what you put in your mouth more than others because I want you to ponder what is of value physically and more importantly, spiritually.  Some people may just put whatever they want in their mouth, 'it is permissible, but not everything is beneficial" (1 Corinthians 6:12) It may not appear other people's bodies reflect the poor choices they put in their mouth, but I want you to focus carefully on what you put in, to what you will get as the outcome. It might not seem fair, but you, precious child of mine, are growing closer to Me, your Heavenly Father, your Savior, because of this so called, 'burden'. So, daughter of Me, the King of all kings, lift your weary head, gaze into My eyes, see that this 'burden' is a blessing. See the care in My eyes, see the closeness we have, see the scars that show I have already won your battle. Keep looking into my strong, deep eyes, hold this gaze a little longer as you see how deeply I love you and know your hardest moments, know I am aware of the smallest, tiniest hurt you wear. As I take hold of your hand and with My other hand gently wipe your tear marked with guilt & shame & heaviness, know that I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever. (Psalm 73:26) Know that I have turned your mourning into dancing and loosed your sackcloth, clothing you in gladness so that you, my sweet daughter, can sing praise and give thanks to ME forever. (Psalm 30: 11&12) I am the Lord your God and I love you so much, I want your attention in this area of your life. You are doing well, continue to find your strength in Me, continue to fill up in Me. We have this, together!"

As the Lord revealed this to me, my shoulders felt lighter.  I eat differently. I am not weighted down of  always 'failing' in this area. The heart change of seeing this as a blessing has changed my minds focus as well. I AM NOT A FAILURE. God simply wants me to refocus on why I put anything in my mouth in the first place, to fuel and build up, not to over-indulge or self medicate. When I choose the better option, I am successful and through each choice, the Lord is with me.  He blesses me because I am turning more to Him, so in the end, there will be less of me.

*Bible study mentioned: Keeton, A. (2017). The wellness revelation: Lose what weighs you down so you can love God, yourself, and others. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale Momentum.

Social Distancing Church Service

April 26, 2020

Today I sit in the sanctuary of my home church that usually seats around 300/400 people.  Today is different. There are chairs for about 90 people, spaced in groups, six feet apart. Some groups of chairs of 2, 4, 6, 7, and even single chairs standing alone, distanced six feet from the next group of chairs. Today is the first day our church has opened its doors since the ‘shelter in place’ order was put in effect on March 28^th. 

We’ve been having online services and Travis and I have been worshiping from home.  It has been different yet, I am thankful the church body is not defined by a building. The body of Christ remains strong, amidst this season and worship online has been a blessing.

Today Travis and I were very early.  Travis had been asked to serve, seating and directing people upon entering the sanctuary, so I was blessed to come with and had time to worship the Lord before the service started. As I sat in the far back corner of the sanctuary, observing this large room, I opened God’s word and read Psalm 46 as this scripture had been flashing on the screens at the front.  I also reflected on the how the world around me has changed in the last three months.  I continued to look around at the extremely empty sanctuary and reflected how blessed I am. My eyes got misty as I looked around and my eyes didn’t see the families interacting with one another.  They didn’t see the little kids running to their babysitters or Sunday school teachers, excited to hug them.  My eyes didn’t see moms catching up with other moms, or men giving other men a solid slap on the shoulder followed by a handshake and smile. My eyes didn’t see the teenagers grouped together. Nor did my eyes see the elderly enter the room holding their life long lover’s hand. My eyes were pulling at my heart strings as I looked around the almost empty sanctuary. My ears.  Oh, my ears were missing something too. My ears didn’t hear the constant buzz of conversations all around me or the sporadically loud laughter from the other side of the room. My ears didn’t hear heart felt laughter and giggling from young and old. My ears didn’t hear the ‘excuse me’ as people scooted by to sit down the row from me.  My ears. Instead my eyes and ears saw and heard few people. Some isolated within the large room, sitting in the solo chair six feet from anyone. I saw masks covering smiles and faces, my ears heard muffled voices. It looked, sounded and felt so different.  

Don’t get me wrong.  It was an absolute blessing to be sitting in this room where many have heard the Gospel message over the years and to be one of the few able to worship together.  The numbers have been limited, to ensure the social distancing policy is kept in place.  This is wise.  Yet, this is odd. My heart was beyond blessed and my ears now heard Pastor Rick start to warm up at the piano, my ears did hear those few voices, muffled by the masks and my eyes were thankful to see the few friendly faces that were present. It was a good thing.

As I read through Psalm 46 (which has MANY great verses) the ones that stood out to me were:

            1) “God is our refuge and strength,

a helper who is always found in times of trouble.”

2) “Therefore, do NOT be afraid…”

Skip to

8) “Come, see the works of the Lord,

Who brings devastation on the earth.”

9) “He makes wars cease throughout the earth…”

10) “Stop your fighting, and KNOW that I am God,

exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth.”

This passage starts with ‘GOD is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always, ALWAYS found in times of trouble’. What a promise.  He continues with, ‘Therefore (because He is our refuge and strength) do NOT be afraid’. Again, what a promise. The passage continues with God’s greatness. Then, we get to verse eight and it says ‘Come, see the works of the Lord, who brings devastation on the earth’.  Look!  Come, look!  God brings devastation to the earth, come look!! Again, this is truth, God has and is going to bring devastation.  But that isn’t the end of the news.  ‘He makes wars cease.’ Yes, He does. Even though He brings the devastation, He makes the devastation stop.  He asks us in verse 10, to also stop.  Stop and KNOW I am God. And not just to KNOW I am God, know I am exalted among the nations and the all the earth.  I AM GOD. Verse eleven says: “The Lord of Armies is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold.” He starts Chapter 46 of Psalms with the promise God is our refuge and strength, a Helper who is ALWAYS found in times of trouble.  He then says he will bring this trouble, this devastation, but He continues to say He will make it cease, He will be exalted and ends it with, I AM YOUR STRONGHOLD. Wow! Take comfort in who He is and what He does!

So, as Travis joined me, in the back corner, where two chairs had been placed, six feet from anyone else, and the service began, my heart missed the family of God I am used to worshiping with. Yet, there was a revival in my heart of Who we serve and worship. None of this is a surprise to the Lord and He remains in control of every single detail. 

Every. Single. Detail. 

Even though worship looked different, the God whom we serve is not different. He is still in control.  He is on the throne. Yesterday, today, and forever. Whew, that is a promise!

(the sanctuary from my corner)

Covid-19

April 8, 2020

These days work has been interesting.  I never know what I will walk into.  Mostly we have been staffed appropriately because we have stopped the elective surgeries in order to prepare for what we might need the beds for as well as to protect patients that don’t need to be in the hospital, which could potentially expose them to this virus.

April 8th: the new protocol put in place last week was to wear a surgical mask at all times while in the hospital as well as get ‘screened’ upon entrance of the building. The screening process is as follows: People with scanners, scan our name badge, take our temperature and ask if we have any new respiratory symptoms.  For the most part this is a streamline process that only takes a moment.  There have only been a handful of days I have had to wait in a line for this process. Today was no different. I waved at Travis through the window signing “I love you” as he drove away. He drops me off when he can and we enjoy the extra moments we have together in the morning and evening. Anyway, there were a couple people in front of me and soon I was on my way up to my unit, Orthopedic/Neuroscience. Today I had three patients which is a wonderful feeling from having four or five on day shift.  We were fully staffed, even with CNAs. The day progressed nicely until about one.  Prior to one o’clock, I had one discharge and there were multiple other discharges on the floor as well, reducing our patient population meaning we would probably have to reduce our staff as well.  Yet, we needed to take a look at what the emergency room had in it in case we were to receive any of those ER patients to our unit.  There were three strokes, a spine injury and a couple limb pain which could turn into a break or a potential surgical patient. So, a possible 5-6 patients could be heading to our unit.  The charge nurse was stating to me how it would be so empty up here because we will have two nurses, a charge nurse and one CNA.  I looked at him and asked, “Have you looked at the emergency room lately? There are a number of very likely patients for us. Be careful how you staff.”  He blew it off as no big deal and repeated how it would be so empty with just two nurses, a charge nurse and one CNA. Sure enough, he sent home nurses and within a short 2 hours we went from slightly over staffed (with the discharges) to understaffed and stressed.  So unnecessary! (one nurse even said to me, “how was it I was on a fully staffed floor and ended up on this understaffed floor?” I responded with, “I know, right?!”) There was one CNA for the entire floor and the charge nurse’s response was, “well what has she been doing all day? She has complained since she got here this morning, she would like to go home.” In her defense I responded: “She has had admits back to back.” “Two in one hour is not bad.” I said, “yes, but my patient also came back from dialysis and my other patient is a one to one feed, all time-consuming patients”. (not to mention the additional patients on the unit that have to use the bathroom, meals ordered, vitals taken etc.) He seemed to calm down a bit, but that didn’t alleviate the understaffed situation we were in, unnecessarily. Then, of all things, one of the patients on the floor, through a great nurse assessing and educating a certain patient, this patient went from no isolation to complete FULL isolation of a Covid-19 rule out waiting to be placed on another floor in a negative air flow room. (another frustration of the day, the nurse that had this patient previously is one that does only the minimum, so it isn’t a surprise this wasn’t found out until a resource nurse arrived on the floor and took over her patients) WHAT?!  Again?  This happened again?! Another Covid patient on our unit, where we have the elderly and immune-compromised patients? Frustration! I praise the Lord, this patient wasn’t mine this time, and I KNOW the Lord worked out the details for a reason.  Yet, this is another part of how this day hit the gutter. I have put in two separate Safety Nets (a link where we as staff share about situations that arise that were unsafe, and a team reviews them and attempts to prevent the situation from arising again) And yet I have never heard back from the team, I just get an automated email that says CLOSED.  That doesn’t tell me if they are working on it or anything. And the fact these keep happening on our floor, which is Level 5, meaning we aren’t supposed to get Covid patients until way down the road is unnerving and frustrating.  We are not set up to take these patients, yet. 

So, as we are all running around attempting to do our best to get ready for shift change, understaffed and dealing with a Covid crisis my heart hurts.  I admit I want to hide in a corner.

As my heart was hurting, running about finishing my shift, I silently reflected on why I became a nurse in the first place. I knew I would have tough days.  I knew there would be unnerving situations.  I knew the potential danger I might be in.  Yet, my love for people and my desire to care for people in times of need is why I became a nurse.  I want to be the light of Jesus to these people in a dark place in their life.  This time is now.  Caring for patients today is no different than when I became a nurse.  So why was today so frustrating? Why did I feel like I wanted to turn in my two-week notice? Because people aren’t thinking about the ‘we’.  The charge nurse was excited to say we only had two nurses and a charge with one CNA.  He was too focused on how he would feel, sharing that with bed board.  He wasn’t looking out for the best interest of the unit. (Just the other day when he asked for updates regarding my patients, which he wants to know how many discharges I might have, I told him I had a potential discharge.  He looked at me and said, “well I haven’t heard that, so I am going to say none since I haven’t ever been able to say that at bed board.”  The thoughts in my head: Really?  You aren’t going to share information with bed board, just because you haven’t ever done that before? That is the wrong reason my friend. It’s not about you, its about the needs of the unit.) Ugh. Anyway, in addition, the lack of response from the safety net team seems they don’t care about the ‘we’ either.  Not communicating they are working on the issues brought before them. Do they even hear what we are saying? The masks they force people to put on at the door, with the studies showing the lack of protection to those who are healthy, appears the reason they have us wear them is so they (Billings Clinic) can cover their hides if one of us gets this virus.  They can say “we gave them protection”.  Well, this protection is the wrong kind to protect against the virus.  Surgical masks don’t keep this virus out. So, from the publics eye, this all looks good. Not from the inside.

So then, I get frustrated. Who has my back? The charge nurse is about looking good at bed board.  The facility I work for is about looking good to the public.  Management on my unit pops their head out of their office once in a while to say, “Keep up the good work” and then go back to their protected office. Even the emergency department is only, sometimes, asking the written questions without further investigation on a patient’s exposure to Covid. (There is a script that asks “if you have been out of the state in the last 30 days, and if you have been exposed to an infectious person”. Let’s be real and ask the direct question: “Have you been exposed to someone or potentially been exposed to someone with Covid-19?”) And so, patients are getting to our unit without the proper screening and then we don’t have the proper protection. I have had two of these patients. (another post) I remind myself frequently of WHO is in control.  I know NONE of this goes unnoticed by the Lord. He is in control.  He is watching, He is not surprised by any of this.  He is my Protector, Shield, Comforter, Shepherd, and Peace.  Which is encouraging and a wonderful promise.  That calms me down. As I press on in my day, tears brim my eyes and I hold them in.  “Pull it together, finish this shift strong,” I tell myself. God has given me the ability to care for my patients, to make it through one moment at a time. Press on. Report given to the oncoming nurses. Badge out.

Travis picks me up. It is so good to see his face. I go through the motions.  I take my face mask off and put it in a paper bag on the floor behind the passenger seat, place my lunch box and bag on the seat, climb in the front seat trying to touch as little as possible on our short drive home.  He asks about my day. I keep it short so the tears won’t fall just yet, turn to look out the window and ask about his day. He knows.  He senses I’m trying to hold it together. He answers the question and we finish the ride in silence.  Upon arrival at home, I go through my ritual again, leaving shoes outside, and leaving all scrubs, badges, etc. at the door.  As I do this, Travis tells me of a co-worker of his that has said to say thank you to me for being a nurse. The tears can’t be held back anymore, I whisper thank you and quickly head to the shower.  I just want him to hold me and to let the tears fall, but I can’t, not yet. I have to scrub hard to try to ensure I didn’t bring this virus home. As the water showered down on my face, the tears began to fall. So many tears with so many reasons.  Guilty tears: for wanting to give two weeks and be done with the nonsense of the hospital. Sad tears: that I actually feel this way. Angry tears: that leadership/management and this facility don’t respond to show WE, the staff are their best interest in decisions. Envious tears: that other people get to work from home. Understanding tears: This is the first pandemic for most people and they are doing the best they can, to their ability. Tears of confusion: why do I feel this way? I don’t even have the virus.  Grateful tears: for the protection I have from the Almighty God. Tears of comfort: knowing God is in control.  Tears of blessing: to have Travis as my husband for such a time as this. Fearful tears: what does the future hold, what is the outcome of this virus. Love tears: I get to love patients, Travis loves me and God loves me even more.  Many tears fall. Finally, Travis is able to hold me and when the timing is right asks, “do you want to talk about it”.  I nod. 

When I am able to hold the tears back I begin to share with Travis about my day and how frustrating it is to go to work.  How sad I am to have lost the desire to work because I feel the staff of the hospital are not being protected to the best of the facilities abilities. And then I hear myself.  I say, with tears and great conviction: “I am willing to give my life for people, in order they would see and know Jesus. That is part of why I wanted to be a nurse.  I am willing to put myself out there for others, BUT it sure gets hard to do this for foolish and stupid people.”  I stopped. The words. What I just said resonated in my head for a moment.  Those are the very people Jesus gave his life for.  The foolish and stupid.  Me. I was foolish and stupid until the Lord opened my eyes to my need for Him.  He has changed me.  Changed my heart.  I am now a new creation. I still make mistakes, yet I desire to be more reflective of Him.  Praying for wisdom and discernment. To not be stupid and foolish anymore. This week. Of all the weeks to be having this moment of frustration, tears and mixed emotions, was the week Jesus paid it all. Jesus didn’t go to the cross to die for those that already seem to ‘get it’ or ‘have understanding’. No, He went to the cross for the undeserving, the ones with wool over their eyes. He went to the cross for those who spit in His face, slapped His face, mocked Him and for even those that physically nailed his wrists and feet to the cross while speaking derogatory words to Him. Wow.

My tears turned to those of brokenness. Brokenness for the lost.  The very people I am surrounded with day in and day out at the hospital. How could I get frustrated with the blind? They can’t see.  God sent His Son to come, to die, to raise again, with the HOPE.  He has opened my eyes, I am no longer blind. And He has prepared me for such a time as this. The Light of Jesus fills me and I should be overflowing with my every word, action and deed.  How selfish of me to expect such great things from my co-workers and employer, especially during this season of Covid-19, the unknown. My tears turned to tears of grace.  I need to have more grace for those around me. I can still be frustrated with the current situation and things taking place that shouldn’t be, but I am responsible for me and my reaction and response.  How do I gear up to enter the hospital where so many things seem to be wrong these days?  How do I tangibly shine Jesus light to make a difference in the sphere in which the Lord has placed me? Filling up on God’s word, His truths, His promises, continuing to seek His wisdom, His discernment and guidance. Prayer.  Expressing all of these emotions and concerns to the Lord Himself.  He wants to hear from me.  He has placed each of my tears: the guilty, angry, envious, understanding, confused, grateful, comforting, fearful, blessed, loving, brokenness and grace tears in a jar.  He sees them.  He knows me.  He knows my heart.

For me this looks like: putting on the full armor of God daily, to be able to stand against the flaming arrows that come my way, continuing to be an advocate, using my voice for my unit by requesting the proper safety equipment and protocol to be in place.  To continue to care for all patients with love from the Lord.  To speak up with respect, love and kindness when needed.  God has placed me on this unit, at this time, for a reason. And similar to Esther, who was placed for such a time as this (4:14) I too, am placed here and now, for such a time as this. The tears will fall, but JOY comes in the morning.

Praise Report!!

“Another praise report…” what I was expecting to hear is not what came out of the other person’s mouth.  It was a ‘praise’ because something fell through and didn’t work out.  Initially I thought, wow…did he really mean ‘praise report’? 

Then it hit me.  YES!  It was a praise report!  We are called to praise HIM, the Lord Jesus Christ in the good and the bad.  In this particular instance and in any instance it is a praise!!  Because even if things don’t go the way we planned or even the way the Lord seemed to be taking it…it is STILL a praise!!!  Why?  Because the Lord works all things together for His good and HE knows better than we do, and if things didn’t go as planned, most likely He is protecting us from something or He has a better plan etc…and therefore we can truly and honestly say, “Praise the LORD”!  So, I was able to respond and say, “Yes, PRAISE THE LORD”!

So, are you praising the Lord for the unanswered prayer? Are you praising the Lord for redirection of something you thought was happening a certain way? Are you praising the Lord even in the valleys!?  My prayer is that you will!  I was reminded of the importance to praise the Lord in and through it all!

**Funny how it has been over a year since i posted and the last post was what it was...and to follow it with this one...God is good!  PRAISE HIM!! :)

Tears

I am an emotional basket case.  Yet the truth remains the same: GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, ALL the time GOD is GOOD!  And as much as I want to throw myself a pity party, I can’t.  I am healthier than many, I have options to take care of this abdominal mass, and bottom line, it could be so much worse.  So for that, I am thankful to be where I am at.  I trust the Lord.  I just want answers faster, I want this mass dealt with and done. I, I, I...I am being pretty selfish.

My pastor’s wife has been battling brain cancer for over a year.  She has been very sick at times, in pain, fighting this fight hard and giving glory to the Lord through it.  A dear friend of mine, only 30 years, old passed away two short weeks ago...HIS family is mourning the loss of a dear son, brother, husband and friend.  WHAT do I really have to whine about?  Instead of crying tears of frustration for myself, wishing the waiting was over and this mass was removed.  I can’t cry for myself as much as I want to because of others close to be in GREATER pain and frustration.  I cry tears of gratefulness that my abdominal mass can be treated, can be removed and life for ME, should go back to normal fairly quickly.  NOT the case for Tami.  NOT the case for Paul’s family.  Tami lives day TO day.  She has been so thankful for this year she has been given, but no one really knows the Lord’s timing.  Paul’s family lived life to the fullest too.  Enjoying every moment they had with Paul, and yet now, all too soon he was called home to the Father and they are missing their son.  Life is ever changing. The Lord sends things into our lives for a reason, I fully believe that.  He doesn’t make mistakes.  His timing is PERFECT.  He is not surprised by these circumstances.  What He asks for is the glory.  That HE be praised in the tough moments and on the mountain tops. 

With that said, that is why I can’t throw myself a pit party.  That is why I can’t invite you to join my pity party.  Where is the glory for the Lord in that?  That puts the focus on me, which is the very thing I attempt to overcome...die to self, that I would whole heartedly follow Christ in all I am, in all I say, and ALL I do.  So, I praise the Lord for today. A day to give glory to HIM in everything.  I pray for my sister Tami fighting her fight gloriously. I pray for my dear siblings in Christ, as they mourn and celebrate the life of Paul. My heart hurts for both stories, because I can’t imagine their task...I can’t, but I can pray for them, love them, encourage them, support them and learn from them...because their lives and stories SHINE JESUS through and through.  They live that Christ would be known...and THAT is beautiful!

So today, my tears are mixed emotions, but bottom line these tears are tears of Joy, that the Lord is in control, and HE so tenderly holds EACH one of us in the palm of HIS hands!  i love HIM. i LOVE Him. I love Him.  I LOVE HIM!